Who Am I?

I’m going to be honest with you…I don’t like the awkward introductions.  That whole getting to know you stage where you don’t know anything about me so you’re left looking at my picture up there thinking, “Her bangs are too long.” or “Her teeth aren’t completely straight.” or “What an awful angle!”  While those things may be true, let’s skip on past that, shall we?

I am 39 years old.  I have lived in the same town all of my life – outside of a 6-month stint when I followed a boy to another state at 18.  I have lived in the same house for 12 years.  Worked the same job for 11 years.

I never imagined myself to be the type person I describe above, and I’ll tell you a secret.  I didn’t even realize what I was doing until a few years ago.  Suddenly I looked around and realized I’d lived the last 10 years of my life waiting for it to start.  How droll!

Here’s what I imagine my life should look like.  Nomadic, probably living in a camper, traveling the US, stopping on a whim to follow a wooded trail or tour some metal museum I saw on a billboard a few miles back.  I should laugh without a thought in the world for how loud it is, or how much attention it garners.  I should be dancing in the rain, skipping down to meet the ocean on the beach, and screaming at the top of mountains.

I have allowed myself to give up my fire, little by little so that I don’t even realize it’s gone.  Every disappointment, every bruise, every scar I have given a piece of who I am until most of my fire is gone and I am living a life with no soul.  When I looked around and saw my life as it was, I wanted to cry at what I saw.  So disappointing.

So I started trying to work my way out from under the muck, to climb out from under some of the wreckage I’d allowed to pile on top of me.  It’s taken a while to get here, but I am finally starting to venture out again. While I haven’t quit my job and sold all my belongings to buy that camper and travel the continent – YET! – I am trying to focus on becoming the person I want to be and living the life I want to live.

I can remember writing “letters” to myself as a child and putting them in the mailbox to pick up later, writing a book with a classmate in elementary school, and writing my own book at 12, writing my prayers down as a teenager.  I’ve always loved words and found an outlet in writing, but have allowed my writing voice to be silenced.  That’s where Positively Crystal comes in.  I want to share my journey back to myself in the hopes that people out there will relate to my struggles.  Maybe I can even help someone else who is drowning in their own life.

Awkward introductions behind us now, Hello and Welcome!!  Comment below, let me know you’re here!